Memorable Moments with My Dad

Celebrating my dad’s 80th birthday at our home in Queens, New York on December 29, 2021

I planned to post this blog on Father’s Day, but the emotion of the moment - coupled with a relative recently losing their dad - made me pause and reflect more on fathers in general.

What I share now isn’t just the good stories of me and my dad at our happiest moments. It’s also the trying times. Because what was best about my pops is how unconditional was his love and support. That’s what makes a father truly a “father”.

A warning to those of you now reading this: there’s a bit of stream of consciousness incoming. But these are the memories that live rent-free in my mind. Thank you to each of you for your willingness to take this journey with me down memory lane.

My dad made sure that I never wanted for anything … but he offered that same kindness to family & friends alike

McDonald’s and Me-Time

With my mom and my grandmother both working day jobs and my dad working nights, my pops would take me to get a happy meal from McDonald’s after school and sit me in front of the TV while he went back to sleep to sneak in a couple of more hours before his shift.

It’s the first real memory I recall having “me-time”. I loved those moments. Just sitting in front of the tube, enjoying my fries with some chicken nuggets or a cheeseburger while watching G.I. Joe, He-Man, Voltron, The Transformers, and whatever other classic cartoon was on at the time.

But through all the animation, the now-nostalgic commercials, the rings from the phone, or the knocks at the door, I’d often look up to see my dad sleeping there peacefully. And I’d think how lucky I was. Truly. Because I was a happy kid, thanks in large part to my dad.

A Christmas day in the ‘90s at our home in Laurelton, Queens

Thanksgiving or Christmas

As a Captain with the New York City Department of Corrections - and one who worked third shift - my dad would never get off both Thanksgiving and Christmas, unfortunately. If he worked turkey day, then he didn’t get off December 25. And then the next year it would flip.

So each Thanksgiving where he was off, it was great to have him in the house to hang out with after dinner. It made the day more memorable. As opposed to the years where, after we ate, he went straight to bed so he could rest a bit before work.

And every Christmas, which was more sacred to me at that stage of life, it was wonderful having him home the entire day … to open presents … to chill with … to enjoy the holiday meal with. I loved every minute. Sadly, if I’m being honest, it really bummed me out the years he worked. Quite a bit so. I vividly recall crying one year, which I never told anyone about. To have one of your favorite people not around on your favorite day is a tough hang when you’re a kid. But it’s why I appreciated it more the years he was around for Xmas.

Roosevelt Lane, Jr. worked for New York City Department of Corrections from 1970 to 1989

The Car Is Your Playground

Many of you likely know my mom had multiple sclerosis during the early part of my life. In the beginning stages of her fight with the disease, one of the hospitals she stayed in is Bellevue Medical Center in Manhattan, New York. Given the circumstance, that was both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because Bellevue was, and perhaps still is, a short-term detention hospital for criminals who were injured in pursuit. My dad worked there. So, he would use his breaks to visit with my mom. It’s comforting to know she had that time with him, especially given the fact - with traffic - Bellevue could be a 45-minute to hour drive from my house in Queens. So, it wasn’t easy for my family to visit my mom every day, particularly on weekdays.

As for the curse? Well, again, because of Bellevue’s prison infirmary, young children were not permitted in the facility. Therefore, my family had to leave me in the car while they spent time with my mom. Be aware there was no negligence. Since my dad worked there, he had the guards watch me. Sometimes from afar in the booth. Sometimes up close when one of his colleagues would swing by occasionally to check on me. Nonetheless, our family’s Chrysler Fifth Avenue became my own little steel sandbox. They stuffed that car full of toys & books and I was left to my imagination. I know a lot of those moments are the birthplace of my creativity. Unfortunately, some of it is also where loneliness and depression began, as well. Regardless, the memory of my dad sitting with my mom to make wine out of a rotten-grapes situation is what has, and will always, stand out as a core memory.

My dad’s words, to me, felt like they came from the Bible because if he said it, then I took it as gospel

All The Sayings …

There are sayings that every father tells a son. Then there are others I only ever heard my dad say. Regardless, my pops had a number of adages he’d say religiously. Some I heard so many times it irked me every instance it came out his mouth. That’s what immaturity will do for you. But as I got older, I saw the value and wisdom in them. And now, a few of them I say myself to my own kids. The circle of life, I guess. Here are my favorite quotables from my dad.

“A hard head makes a soft behind.”

This is a common one for all sons and daughters to hear, particularly in black families, I’m sure. But as I grew up with ass whoopins as punishments, I definitely regretted dumb decisions when my butt met with the belt … or shoe … or extension cord … or whatever my pops could find to remind me never to do something stupid again. I probably would’ve remembered this saying regardless. But those burning rear cheeks certainly wouldn’t let me forget.

“Let the fools go.”

This was the most impactful saying my dad has ever uttered. It resonated as a kid. It still hits the same now. It started as something he’d frustratingly toss out when we were on the highway and some speedster would cut him off, weaving in and out of traffic (often barely going anywhere; usually only getting two or three cars ahead of us after all that energy and dramatics).

I’d stay quiet and just observe. Not sure he knew I was paying attention intimately and taking in what he said. Likely because I agreed with him from the get-go, so it required very little buy-in on my part. Those types of drivers are indeed fools. But where the saying became core to my existence was in the utilization. I didn’t just use it for matters of the road. I applied it to life in general … well, at least most times. So, the usage of the term was broad-sweeping. Just about anytime I saw foolish activity, his voice and those words crept into my head and steered my course from there. While it didn’t rid me of all troubles in life, it did help me escape from most. And I’m quite thankful for that.

“I’d rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.”

My absolute favorite saying and the one that has built a true pillar into who I am today and how I lead my life now. Heck, I even have my wife subscribing to this one. I can’t tell you how many times this motto has saved me in a multitude of scenarios. Countless times. If there’s one saying my kids will remember me most for, it’ll probably be this. I’m not a doomsday prepper, but I am a prepper. And these are the words that made me this way.

“I gotta speak my mind.”

Oh man, this one. Ugh. I hated this one. But you just knew he was going to say this anytime I pushed back on a topic or showed any sign of disagreement. Like nails on a chalkboard hearing this. I wish I could say I finally understood it. But that time never came. The best place I could get to was to show deference and leave it at that. But he was only trying to help me, to nurture me, and to love me. For that reason, I can appreciate it.

“I know your love. I feel your love.”

In his last few years on this Earth, this saying became a modern staple. Not sure how or why it evolved as a go-to phrase for him so late in life. But nine out of 10 times this was his reply to me when I told him I loved him, whether on the phone or if I were present with him at our house in New York. Perhaps it’s recency bias why I chose this saying to share versus one or two others. But because it’s his final one, it’s so engrained. I can’t help not think of it. And it’s the words I heard in my head as I looked upon him quietly in his casket.

My dad was the coolest person in the world to me — but he didn’t tolerate any BS (and he’d let you know)

The Time I Got Arrested

I’ve not shared this publicly before as it was too embarrassing but at 15/16 years old, I was arrested for attempting to steal a shirt from Macy’s at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, New York.

I didn’t need the shirt. My family gave me everything I wanted; I was extremely spoiled. And I didn’t necessarily want the shirt. It was just something to do. Some of my friends and I were young and dumb and mischievous. For me it was a way to pass the time at the mall, as ignorant as that sounds. But in getting caught, though I only got a slap on the wrist from the law, it caused major damage to my dad’s view of my innocence.

After I was bailed out and got home, I was scolded by my mom and my grandmother, of course. But that pales in comparison to me going into the basement, where my dad confined himself to. He was sitting at the bar with only a low-emitting light on, and he was bawling. Sobbing like a baby. It was one of most emotionally painful and traumatic experiences of my life. And the fact I can visualize it clear as day, even still, haunts me. My family didn’t let me go to the mall for some time after. And I never stole again. But I’ll never get over that experience. Ever.

My dad, along with the love of his life, Ernestine Lane, made sure I still had parents even after my mom’s passing

Moving to Kansas City

In 2003 I moved to KC. And while there are a number of other memories I could share post-‘03. - even one where my dad helped me stand up to law enforcement (if you want to know more about this story, feel free to ask me) - I think this is a fitting story to end this blog.

Having never truly lived on my own (college doesn’t count), getting my apartment in Lenexa, Kansas felt intimidating. All of my NYC possessions fit into 13 large boxes that were shipped via UPS. There was no furniture, no cookware, no dishes, no nothing. So when I moved in, I had to go buy everything. Living room set, bedroom set, kitchen set — you name it.

My dad, being retired and having nothing else to do, decided to fly out a few days after I left and help me. I remember us laughing, hanging out, checking out the new city, and just enjoying time together as father and son. It made the transition to a new place easier. More importantly, it let me know that 1,200 miles would never separate the love and affection. He helped make Kansas City feel like home, which it’s now been for more than 22 years.

My own family with Melissa and our boys started with the love these two began decades ago

Lasting Impression

As I’m now 47, though there are some differences between my dad and I, I’m a lot of him. Likely most of him. And I couldn’t be more proud. Thank you to my father for giving me so many great memories. My apologies to him for the times I gave him bad ones. But I know, in the end, he’s happy with the man I’ve become. And that’s the greatest memory of all.

My dad’s legacy: his great-grandchildren (Preston, Brayden, Colin) celebrating my father’s last milestone birthday